Monkeys

I guess my affinity with the pretty little primates started with me watching Ace Ventura. Having a “helper monkey” is good for lots of reasons. The great thing is that you can make the monkey (or little mike in this case) do all the things your to lazy to do. I think having him tie shoelaces would be invaluable. Not to mention the ladies love helper monkeys, they’ve been know to say “is that a darling little helper monkey you have tying your shoes?” and I would say “Sure is, say hi Little Mike…wait NO! NOO the bunny goes UNDER the log Mike UNDER the LOG!” That’s not the only use for monkey slaves but lets move on to the fact that they throw poop at their enemies. Now tell me, what says “I really don’t like you” better than throwing your poop. I know an ex-marine that told me a story of a guy who, while in Panama “harassed” (they can’t shoot them, so they devise other means) the local monkey population. The monkeys fought back using a time tested method of showing their feelings; they threw their poop. I can imagine the monkeys talking amongst themselves “Hurry Clark hand me another banana, I’m starting to run dry here” Now insult is a monkey throwing poop at you, injury is having some land in your uniform without your knowing and walking around with it for miles, only to have the rest of the platoon beat you up because you smell of feces.

It’s a shame monkeys don’t have opposable thumbs. I would love to see a monkey trainer try to get one to build a house out of Legos. Since they don’t have the fine motor skills to place the individual blocks, their frustration would be quite entertaining. That would be just as funny as me trying to pass a college algebra test. Imagine what they could do if they had an opposable thumbs though. Well for one, they could probably post a comment on this Blog, or even build mud based dwellings for themselves. Next thing we know they’ll be ordering the roast duck with the mango salsa. I just don’t see why car companies cant build a car that can be operated without opposable thumbs, I mean how funny would it be if you saw a van load of howler monkeys fly through an intersection with “Born to be Wild” playing full blast. Actually, that sounds like a good idea for a Disney movie released straight to VHS.